Some personal thinspiration... still adding...

http://community.webshots.com/album/189115159nwMPRs?66

Ok so ... I did not update on what has been going on ... I must admit that recovery served me well in the respect taht I have gainead alot... I am back in school- with hopes of taking the LSATs and GREs very soon and entering into a 7 year program for my PHD in Clinical Psych and my Law degree by the time I'm 28... I have a good Management job in property management right now, but am str uggling with coming to terms iwth my weight etc.

I need a plan to at least dip into a weight that I am comfortable at... I am ashamed and embaressed to say that very often I just disregard the fact that I even mildly may give a shit about my well being... Thin seems to be my only care in the world at times... it symbolizes so much for me and holds so much of my identity that I havent' teh silghtest idea how to turn away... Very often I want to smack myself because I should have taken better advantage of my treatment when I was there... I just wasted away and "Ate because I had to" and did not work on forcing into myself the mind-body connection and beginning to get beyond the food fear fat factor... It gets me especially and extremely angry and upset most of the time that I have been to death and back so many times yet do not se em to know my limits or learn my lesson before it is too late... I rely on drugs alot to keep my appetite at bay and to keep myself feeling in control. I was buying cocaine like candy very recently because I loved the rush it gave me. Not eating lead me to feel "worthy" - it lead me t]o feel att ractive and just plain exhilirated and high of f of starvation. In my mind that feeling is glorified times twenty and although I am sure it is a happiness mirage... it is still very attractive and glorified in my mindset... I know I am distorted. I know my mind is all screwy and emphasizes the WRONG things... and it is very pain ful....

But I am looking for supporters right now... People who will HOLD me accountable for what I've eaten... what I've done what i haven't doine... I want this to not only be about losing weight, but also about not being such a waste of life... in the lazy sense...

Damn... it's been awhile...

I am embaressed that I am "back in the game" per say... but the fact of the matter is that I am... My life is miserable right now and I am too weak to recover.

Anyone who can offer support... TRUE BLUE... forceful support, please do. Any girls in my area- Philly ? Please let me know if you 'd like to meet, chat and discuss things... I have good pointers. I just need to get my weight down a bit... its ridiculous right now...

I only feel safe around Jen and Steph - my Frew gals... I am excited and scared for the summer. I want my friends to be gentle with me. What does not kill me only makes me stronger. I feel so shitty right now. Tyler told me everyone is sick of my ED bullshit.

 I cannot reach out- I feel I have no one safe to call. I want to just curl up in a ball and not feel, but the feelings are too much- large... grotesque... My feelings of inadequacy make me want to shrink away and become as small as I feel and as insignificant as I am... My self loathing is reaching all times highs at the moment.

 I am having urges to end things COMPLETELY with Tyler. This bouncing back and forth and flirting with the idea of "being together" has gone on long enough. It is too fake to me and he takes me for granted more than I am sure even he realizes. He thinks he can treat me like whatever and it will all be ok...

 But I vowed to be through with this "Woe is me" shit. I need to move on and fucking believe in myself. I MUST BELIEVE that I deserve to be treated right and that I deserve to treat myself right.

I have overlooked all the shit Tyler hasn't been there for me through- he turned his back on me. He doesn't validate or even priase me for my steps in my recovery. He doesn't believe in the seriousness of my disease so it makes me believe it isn't serious. I think we are both selfish. Maybe it truly does need to end- once and for all... I have been so disconnected from what I deserve in a relationship.

 I always want to let go when I am stronger, but it is harder to do it when I am weak. I do not feel like the star of my life. I do selfish things to mask how much I hate myself. I can never be 1/2 of anyone until I can be good enough for myself. That is terrifying to right, but I need to write it to make it real.

Ok... So it's been too long since I seperated myself from my eating disorder... THe thought is terrifying because to be honest, I have defined myself by this for much to long and I have no idea on where to begin to find out what I like...

 The other day I looked up at my mother with tears in my eyes and asked her what I was like... what foods I use to like when I was quote-on-quote "normal" - then she got all misty eyed and I couldn't take it so I turned away and just journaled in my room about how hopeless I felt...

But... it seems that every hour for me is a new chance to put another outlook on the day and it is a mother-fucking brutal fight to live instead of just crawl back into the safe and opening arms of my ED... I sometimes feel it dragging me closer and closer to its mouth wide open to consume me, but I have to fight ... if I don't what am I good for ?

Alot of the time I am faking it... but a counselor at the Frew that I came to love told me, "Fake it until you feel it..." Hence why my recovery feels so forced and fake to me at the moment...

So today I am going to attempt and find out - actually seperate myself from my ED AGAIN- which seems like a tremendous task that I must do everytime I begin to think of my personal self-concept of myself and try to think up things that I LIKE TO DO that aren't ED/food and weight related ... Since it's been so damn long ... I'm going to have to try the old "Trial and Error" method of experiencing new things and see what does and doesn't work and what does and doesn't feel right...

 Another bit I need to vent about is - Hunger - I am struggling to STILL understand when I am hungry. Much easier to have someone set a tray infront of you and demand that you eat versus you have to do it yourself.

 When I was walking out the doors yesterday feeling the high from being discharged and actually "Freed" from five weeks of being back at the same place Day after Day after day in addition to my inpatient stay there... I was elated... but I was also terrified and scared, but it is so safe there... And it is "ok" by my definitions to recover, but out here on my own is a whole new ball game... I have to do it or no one else will... It ultimately comes down to the choice of life or death... No one is watching me or telling me what to do... I need to do it myself and it's the hardest fucking thing in the world...